CHAPTER 1 : Life Still Goes On
"What do you think about falling in love with your best friend?
What will you do if your close friend confessed to you?"
“I don’t know. I think I’ll reject it,” Onew told me the answer. I was a frozen for some seconds as the answer come smoothly from his mouth. I keep my composure and continue to blew on the hot café latte he ordered for me,
“Hmm, geurrae?”
“Yep.” He drank his Americano and lean his back on the wooden chair. “Because, it will be awkward, right? “ he continued and raise an eyebrow, like wanting an answer from me.
I hesitantly nodded, looking away from him and look outside the window glasses,
‘Shit. Shit. Shit. I brought him here for nothing!’ I silently cursed on my head. Well, with that one sentence from him, the plan that I perfectly planned for today was shattered into pieces.
I’m in love with my best friend, Onew. He may be not the best man in the world but he is for me. People may think I fall for him because of his looks that exceeded expectations but it’s not about that. I’m the type that hardly can fall in love with someone. I can’t just go on blind dates, chatting through text messages and confessed to some guy or accept some ‘stranger’ feelings. Yeah, that kind of things I still count them for ‘strangers’.
I can’t fall in love with these ‘strangers’. Well, I can’t deny that I fancied some of the boys in our school too but that’s it! Nothing more than just, “Aww~ He’s so cute!” , “omo! It’s him!” when I see those boys. But it’s nothing special, none of those expression I said to the guys I fancied involved my real feelings. Some said that I’m a though girl. People saw me as the ‘older-sister’ type of girl, the one that’s the most mature of the girls in my cliques. I’m not literally an outgoing person too, I’m shy. But sometimes, people mistook me as an arrogant person because I don’t talk too much or often seen being busy by myself. But then came Onew to my life.
We met on a the school radio broadcasting club which my one of my friend insisted to do. I just follow along with them and then I met him. He’s the dorky nerd, likes to read his mangas or sometimes busy watching some sentai movies on his own laptop. Then I found out that we shares the same likes, same hobby, same food favorites and many more. I feel like he understands me the most, and It stared when we frequently texting each other just to catch up of our lives. We got closer and closer and I just realized, that I actually, falling for him. Deep and hard.
This is like the 3rd case in my life that I fell for my close friends. And 2 of them, ended up not good. I’m being really distant with them once they found out that I liked him. I was a champion for surpressing my own feelings, put a mask on my face to look that I’m still that strong girl everyone knew. But I’m still human, I also had feelings. I’m jealous of my friends that already being all lovey-dovey with their boyfriends while I’m just watching them. It’s been 3 years since my last relationship and I need some new guy. Then I realize, the guy that I really need is him. I was planning to confess to him today, right now. But I’m afraid he’ll drift apart like my previous friends! So.. I was throwing a bait before by asking those questions to him and got a heart breaking answer.
I don’t want to lose him, but I also want to him to know my feelings. What should I do now?
“Hyunjung-ah? Hey girl?” I snapped out from the thoughts in my head once I heard him calling my name, I looked at him and he chuckeld, “What are you staring at out there? Is there any cute guys?” he imitates me. I chuckled and threw a cushion at him,
“Not funny Onew~”
“Hehe, you seems so deep in thoughts,”
‘yeah, I’m thinking about you’ I said to myself and he showed his 100 watt smile to me that can make my heart warm everytime I see it. I just gave him a simple smile
“Munja wasshong~! Munja wasshong~!!” (remember the ringtone on Secret garden? XD yeah that one~) I feel my phone ringing and I picked it up from the table,
“Munja wasshong~” Onew mimicked my cellphone ringtone, it’s so cute.! Sometimes he likes being silly like this, that’s what I like about him. Eventhough people said his jokes are terrible, but I always try to laugh at it. Because he didn’t like people who’s not laugh at his jokes.
‘Girl! Did you do it already?’ ah, the message is from my best friend Ai. She’s like my closest friends in University now. Eventhough I belong in a clique, I don’t really feel like I was close to them because all they did was talking about boys, boys and boys. I don’t feel like I belong with them even, now I just tag along.
‘No. It’s ruined. Mission failed, I’ll tell you later. Still with him now.’ I text it to her and with a sigh,pressed the send button
I took a glance to Onew who’s now busy with his phone too. His face looks so bright with the simple smile stood on it. Lately, I found him being more cheerful than usual. Wonder why that is~
“Yah,”
“Hmm?”
“You looks so bright lately,” I said with a laugh, to cover the nervousness behind my voice, “Why is that eh our dorky Onew? You find a girl you like~~~?” I tried to tease him, but then he just look at me with a shy smile.
DEG! What? I-is that true? I was joking before but… it’s true? I froze in place. Literally. Looking at him with big eyes and a bit gaped mouth,
“Yah hyunjuuuung~ is it that weird to you to see me liking a girl?”
‘not weird. But I’m jealous’ I feel like my eyes started to get watery. Get you head straight Hyunjung! Keep going!
“Uhm, really? Like seriously Onew? You found a girl you like now?” My voice was a bit shaky but he barely can recognize it. He just smiled brightly and put his phone down
“I think I am,”
That sunflower smile he showed me, right now didn’t make my heart any warmer. That smile burns through my heart and I feel like I want to cry in place right now. I just stay quiet, not even blinking my eyes because I’m afraid that I’ll shed my tears when I blink
“Wow,” only that simple word came out from my mouth. I don’t know how to react other than crying. My plan today was already shattered into pieces, and now he makes it not recycle-able. Ugh, I don’t even know what I’m saying right now but he completely crush my heart.
“Yeah, I know. Wow,” he said while looking above with that dreamy expression of his.
‘Oh god. I’m losing him~’ I tried my best to stop my eyes to produce anymore tears, “So, who’s that lucky girl? You usually tell these kind of things to me,” I said to him once I regain my composure.
‘though I didn’t want to know’ I said in my head, hoping that he would hear all of my thoughts right now. How I wish he didn’t like some other girls. How I wish that girl was me,
“I think you know her,” he smiled, inching close to me, “It’s Dalrae,”
Somehow it’s not a shocking thing to me when he mentions that name, “Jin Dalrae? That jin dalrae on my English class?” Yeah, the school’s heart throb, Jin Dalrae. Because she was half American, she stand out the most in the faculty which me and Onew enrolled to. I’m no match for her. I’m just a simple looking girl, rather a chubby one while her is like the perfect goddess-like that every men dreams of.
He nodded, “Yep.”
“You crazy,” I stifle a laugh,
“Yah! Wae?”
“You got like… 1000 other competitors to win her heart boy. No chance for you,” I tried to make his ego down. But it’s no use, he shook his head like a kid
“I don’t care. As long as I can still love her from a far, I'm happy.” He leans back and show that happy face to me. My heart begin to ache more. Tears stung in my eyes, forcing to let out. how I wish he would do the same for me,
“Ahahaha, the lover boy,” I teased him, trying to ease the pain In my heart when I see him laugh.
“Whatever,” he chuckled , “You know, it’s like I feel soooo incredibly nervous when I’m around her! Her friends told me to make a move but I don’t know what to do Hyunnie,” I smiled to myself as I heard he called me with my nickname.
‘pfft. That’s what I expect’ I laughed inside my head, but infront of him, I rolled my eyes and cross my arms
“Yah! Be the man! Be brave~ talk about anything you like. For example, your chicken obsession,” I laughed hard, trying to cover the tears that had begun flowing slowly from my eyes.
“ugh, she wont like me if I told her about my other lover, ms. Chicken,” he shook his head. I keep laughing while trying to wipe the tears off my eyes so he wont notice that I was actually crying. Even my laughing voice was weird.
“Well, if she didn’t like the way you are, you should find some other girl that would accept you for who you are then,” I sipped my café latte
“No one like the real me,” he sighed and looked down, playing with his fingers. I stare at him with my teary eyes again
"No you're wrong Onew. You are handsome and cool, woman would accept the real you I'm sure," I said with a smile, Onew replied it too with a smile
‘I like it. I like the real you. I like you!’ I screamed in my head, practically gritting my teeth to prevent me to scream it out loud. Hoping that he’ll hear me. Onew is so oblivious about the fact that there’s someone who already care for him. Like him for who he is. Me. He seems so oblivious about my feelings, to feel about how I care for him all this time, I care about him more than a friend should do. He’s oblivious to what’s infront of him but always realize what is far from his reach. I was really pissed of about the fact that he always like that. I need to knock some sense out of his head.
"Thanks Hyunnie," he said to me. I just nodded, "Did you eat yet? Or you still on that diet?" he giggled, i threw a look at him,
"Well, I'm still on that diet. I want to be slimmer so boys would come to search for me," I stuck my tongue out at him, He just laughed
"Actually, you don't need that. You already are very pretty Hyunjung," Onew praised me and makes me blush.
There, there he goes again with the praising and all. Whenever we talked about our feelings, i always talk to him how i'm not confident about my body. But he's always there to praise and even the little thing about me. It makes me more and more drawn to him, He makes me hoping for him. But now, I should stop hoping for him I guess.
Guys maybe didn't know, those little things they said , would mean different to girls. Girls had their own language' to decipher boys words or acts towards them. Maybe the boys just think that they done nothing for the girl, but some girl would think that they did a lot for her. So, sometimes it leads to a miscomunication between girls and boys. But hey, god create humans in 2 genders for us to understand each other right? I'm just hoping that Onew knew how his words, and caring acts towards me had made me hope for him, high. But now, i was left with nothing.
Dalrae is one lucky person to have Onew liking her. Me and Onew had the same type when we fall in love. he did it with all of his heart or people said, "All-in". Our kind of people, We did all we can to show the person we like that we love him/her. But I guess, onew didn't notice all of my efforts to show him that I care.I sighed and put down my now almost empty cafe latte to the table. frowning, thinking about him, dalrae and my feelings. ugh!
“Hey, why are you looking sad since before?” suddenly onew asked, once again waking me up form my thoughts. I looked at him with a cocked eyebrow
“Sad? Me? No I’m not..”
“Yes you are. Don’t try to fool me, I know you Hyunjung-ah,”
‘No you don’t. You don’t know the great pain that you’ve caused me’
“I’m not sad Onew.”
“don’t deny it girl. What is it? Did you get your heart broken?” He giggled slightly after saying that sentence who’s throbbing right though my heart. I gulped down, and looked away before nodding in response
“Seriously? Seriously Hyunjung?”
“Yes,”
“Now tell me! It’s your turn!” He excitedly clapping his hands infront of me and scooting closer. But I backed away.
“No, I don’t want to tell you,” I shook my head, Onew pouted at me
“Ah~ please tell me Hyunjung, I told you mine right?”
“I know, but.. I can’t!” I awkwardly laugh at him. How the hell am I suppose to tell him about the guy that broke my heart… which is HIM!?
“Whyyyyy? Why I can’t know about the guy? Please tell me~” he shook my arms but I keep shaking my head to disapproval.
“Please pelase please please plase..” and he keep repeating that word beside my ears.
Sometimes this dork makes me irritated with acting like this. But this annoys the hell out of me because he’s not stopping after 2 minutes! He sounds like a broken record and the other people who sat near us already looking at him like he was a mental. Seems like the anger in me build up and waiting for explode. I turn abruptly at him and He stopped talking.
“YOU! It’s you okay! Happy now?” I nearly screamed out loud without even realizing what I was saying. I clasped my hands infront of my mouth once I saw that expression of his. He froze in place, looking stunned.
“Y-you are kidding right?” Onew tried to laugh it off. But I just stare deeply into him with my watery eyes. Not moving or saying anything, “Me? Hyunjung-ah,” He sighed and looked down.
‘I knew it. I knew it! I knew it will be like this again! UGH!! STUPID ME!’ I screamed on my head. I
“don’t say anything Onew. I-I…t-that was a mistake. I should never fall in love with my best friend but I can’t lie to my feelings either. I tried my best to keep it low and not over doing it. But I had my limits too, and today it is. Now I know you like someone else, I can’t do anything other than watch you from the back,” Tears rolling down from my cheeks, he looks at me with that guilty stare
“Hyunjung-ah, I am--”
“No onew, sorry for my selfishness but I don’t want to hear it. I’m sorry for being like this all of sudden. I know you must hate me for ruining our friendship but.. I need you to know this too. I’m pretty broken right now, so I understand if you don’t want to be friends with me again because of the awkward feelings, I understand. So..” I pick up my bag and stand abruptly, “I’m sorry,” I stared at him deeply into the brown orbs of his.
“Hyun-“ before he could make me stay and hear his replies, I yanked his hands that grab my wrist away and I ran out from the coffee shop.
I’m a coward. I’m a coward for not wanting to listen to him until the end. But hey, I still can do my mission today even if it’s not like what I want. I don’t know how to face tomorrow, how to face onew again. Though I was curious about what he want to say, I don’t want to hear it. He might be rejecting me but still, I hope he didn’t. well, Who knows anyway? life will still goes on right? I just hope for the best.
